LIFE SPENDING
I don’t wake up every morning and ask myself how I plan to spend my life today. It doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue but I’m almost certain that if I did, there’d be more of an urgency in how I allocate my time and energy. We discussed boundaries before and highlighted the need to stop letting other people’s expectations spill over into what we need for ourselves but what about when we’ve dedicated our lives to pacifying our savior complex and we become the ones that disrespect our own need for boundaries?
Yes, I know. It’s difficult to think that our mental and emotional burnout is our own fault. It’s difficult to view the good we do in other people’s lives as a byproduct of our brokenness. It’s hard to reconcile our need to feel valuable with how much we run ourselves ragged for the people we love.
This is the basis of all mainstream psychology — the read that comes for every self-righteous thing we’ve allowed to cause us to think of ourselves as the exception to the rules. The read that puts us in a place to question if we’re still good people if our deeds stem from a desire to fill the holes in our lives more than a desire to fill in the gaps for others. The read that disillusions all of us at some time or another. I’ve experienced it and as daunting as it was to go through, I’ve come out a little bit better (for myself) than I was before. Here are some of the takeaways from this notion that read me for filth as the culture says:
1) Filling from an empty cup doesn’t serve you and all the people you’re filling really get are vapors.
2) We’re conditioned for nobility and stoicism —even when we fall short of those, we still end up somewhere in martyrdom
3) All of our behaviors (including and probably most specifically the self-destructive ones) have been exemplified. That’s why we master it before we even get to an age (or state of mental maturity) to question our patterns.
4) Giving requires boundaries to be good (because too much good can be bad) how much are we enabling the decline in the capacity of those around us by consistently doing for them (give them a fish vs. teach them to fish)?
5) Even Jesus dipped out on his friends/ disciples to get some alone time with God and refuel
6) Even Jesus asked people if they wanted to be healed before he put out the energy to heal them
7) Even Jesus told the disciples to go out and save people but if they got rejected, they were to dust themselves off and move on… How much more us?
Ultimately, you have to take a look at the vision you have for your life (if you don’t have one, now’s the perfect time to sort it out) —if life is better understood backward then there’s some merit to reverse engineering the days of your life from the picture of it that you have in your head/ heart. Again, if you don’t know what that picture looks like, spend some time working it out. Here’s a glimpse of mine if you need some inspiration:
20s and 30s - work to build a foundation, network, and curate community with people whose core values match mine. Explore to find places and things that fit the picture of who I’m becoming.
late 30s - shift focus from work to building up my personal life - friendships, family, travel a lot, building a home
40s - shift the way work is done and prioritize time spent with family, create the foundation for 50+
50+ rest and retirement - work in purpose from a place of rest, more family and more friends, and more travel
Obviously, the vision gets a lot more specific than that but the rest is for me. There are some big things that I want for my life and I decided that if I spend it all now on people who are unwilling to change or have accepted me as a crutch, I may never get to where I want to be.
In case you get stuck in the realm of martyrdom and the ill-perceived glory it comes with, ask yourself this?
Am I willing to spend my whole life on other people? Why? What does it get me?
Usually, what you’ll find at the heart of those questions is a belief that you’re not worthy or capable of all that it takes so you’re lending yourself to someone who you know can make it. I know this because I just left that same space as recently as 2021. Respectfully, it’s time to get over that way of thinking because we’re all worthy of our own efforts to live a good and peaceful life… at the very least. We just have to give up the idea that our endgame needs to look like some American dream or Hollywood flex. Create a vision for a life that reflects the things that are in your heart.
PRAYER
God, I think there’s something off about the way I think about my life. I’ve been too keen on wasting my efforts and even more, offering myself as a sacrifice for other people’s quality of life and forsaking my own. Whatever it is at the heart of that, whatever brokenness that level of sacrifice was born from, I’m asking that you heal it. Jesus came as a sacrifice for all of us so it’s not my responsibility to be a martyr for my loved ones. Help me to create a vision for my life that reflects every good thing you have to say about me. Help me to spend my days like I believe my life has value and purpose. Rewire the way that I think about myself and help me to see myself the way you do. Give me the hope and the courage and the energy to make the most of this life. In Jesus’s name, Amen.
JOURNAL CHALLENGE
Write out your vision for your life. Start with an outline of the years and then fill in your desires. It’s not meant to be something that has no room to evolve. Don’t become so attached to it that it becomes a deadline rather than a desire. Just write it out and allow yourself to believe it’s possible. As you write, think about practical steps you can take in your day to day to make those desires actionable.