CRY AS YOU MIGHT

When I think of crying I think of women and children [there’s a titanic reference in there somewhere]. When I think of women crying I think of heartbreak and overwhelm, despite all I know personally of the many reasons there are to shed tears. There’s a guarded box in which the act of crying has been kept and we’ve been subtly conditioned to behave as if anything outside of the “acceptable” triggers affixed to it is to be avoided.

I remember having a manager once at a retail job I worked for way too long who seemed to do everything in her power to break me [it’s a long story]. I had moments when I’d unintentionally cry in front of her because of something she’d say in some calloused way that was far too often the straw that broke my will to be stoic. I could tell she wasn’t fond of my tears and it rubbed me wrong the few times I broke in front of her.

I remember going upstairs, once, to get off the sales floor for a moment. I caught her walking from the bathroom to her office, crying. She looked a lot less like a tyrant and more like an embarrassed child at the moment. The lesson there should have been that people’s discomfort with my emotions isn’t due to my emotions but theirs but I wouldn’t learn that for a long time.

Flash forward to moments beyond the sinking-in of that lesson. People’s discomfort with our emotions isn’t due to our emotions themselves but because they don’t know what to make of their own. Someone somewhere at some point in time checked their tears like a coat closet and they’ve been bottled up ever since. That discomfort comes back up for us when we’re made to witness someone handling something in a way that we’d feel uncomfortable with if it were us in their shoes. That’s got nothing to do with us and our release, though.

I’ve become an ambassador for tears in the past few months. I don’t know what did it but even though it’s been a long time since I had it in me to mind my cries, recently, I’ve come to embrace it in a way that goes a little beyond acceptance. I’ve come to want it for myself, for my friends and family, for people I see on tv— everyone. I want it for men, too.

First, I want us to be able to reframe the act of crying. I want us to declassify it in our minds and hearts. It’s not for women and children. Everyone is welcome to escape on these lifeboats [titanic is calling]. Think about the relationships you have in your life. The ones that allow space for those emotions to be released are the ones that should be closest. That doesn’t mean you should ignore the rest of the red flags of the people around you because they let you cry. If there aren’t any people in your life that cultivate healthy emotional responses and fit what your relational intelligence tells you you need for a thriving connection, keep it in mind as you vet new people.

I’ve been having this random vision lately of being in a relationship where my tears aren’t avoided because they’re related to woman problems. I cry for many reasons including moments when I’m experiencing more happiness than my body can hold. Being with someone who can accept that my tears are part of my healthy release, someone who isn’t afraid of their own tears— someone who allows themselves to be free from their emotional weights even if it means talking through struggles and crying with me, that’s become a goal. Feel free to jot that down in your journal if it resonates with you.

PRAYER

Lord, you said in your word that the righteous cry and you hear them. You said you’re near to those who are brokenhearted and as much as I have fallen short of righteous, I need you to hear me. I need you to be near me. I have feelings that weigh so much in the privacy of my thoughts. When I put them into words they feel frivolous and manageable and so I’m tempted to keep trying to take them on by myself. It doesn’t make sense how heavy they get. Even worse than the thoughts about those feelings weigh too. On a good day, I’m drowning in unreleased aggression, frustration, and sadness from things that are so far in the past that I don’t remember the details of them. On a bad day, well, it’s multiplied and my will to win against it is a lot less. Help me to rest. I can’t win this fight for my life without you. I’m asking you to fight on my behalf. I’m asking that you heal the parts of me that feel broken beyond repair. I don’t even need to know how you do it. Help me to breathe. Give me breath, rest, peace, and the ability to sit in stillness for a while. Renew my will to go on. In Jesus’s name, Amen.

JOURNAL CHALLENGE

Think of the last time your tears felt triggered. What was the moment that brought it up? What was your initial response? Do you know if there was anything built up behind the trigger of the moment? Were there memories of other moments that met up and brought it to your proverbial front door? How can you create a space to purge those feelings? When possible, set aside some private time (2-3 hours minimum). Walk yourself through the emotions you feel. Talk yourself through the triggers while affirming that you have every right to feel the way you’ve felt but that you also have every right to put it down. Remind yourself that you’re a work in progress and that you’re loved by God no matter how flawed you are. Allow yourself to cry out everything your mind wants to release at that moment. Let it last as long as it needs to. When you’re done, take a nap (please don’t skip this part). When you wake up, shower, get some food (something healthy or healthy adjacent to ward off lethargy), and drink some water. How do you feel? Repeat as needed.