FEAR

I had a moment a few years ago where my mind felt compromised in a way I had never experienced it before—by moment, I can honestly say that the intensity of it lasted a good 6 months. During this time, I saw thought from different angles and it was almost like I was dissecting them as they came, allowing me to understand them while I was experiencing them and it was the most uncomfortable year I’ve ever had.

At the heart of the whole ordeal was fear. I was terrified of my waking thoughts. I was afraid to go to sleep because those thoughts manifested in the most bizarre dreams I’ve ever had. I felt isolated because I didn’t think I could talk to anyone about it —they wouldn’t understand. On the outside, I felt more or less normal. My patterns weren’t much different. I was still going to the gym, still getting work done, but I was being worked over in my mind in the worst ways.

Even after this shift in my mind happened and the potency of it faded, I was still on edge. I was afraid that the worst of it wasn’t over, that if it could happen once, it could happen again and even now, I can’t say for certain that it never will but I’m a little bit more confident in the things that are true no matter how tumultuous my thoughts get.

One thing that I clung to during this time was the scripture in 2 Timothy 1:7. It says that God didn’t give us a spirit of fear but one of power, love and a sound mind. I knew the scripture before the ordeal but I' had never been forced to look at it as closely as I did during that time. What I realized is that knowing the scripture did absolutely nothing for me, thus refuting the idea that knowledge is power. It wasn’t enough to know what it said or even where in the bible it’s located. I had to understand it and know how it applied to me for it to have any impact.

One thing to take away from it is that our spirit is God given. We’re created in the image of God which means that we are spirits and everything else is extra. When we’re born, our bodies receive a spirit and when we’re born again (accepting Jesus as savior) we’re born again — receiving a new spirit, the spirit of God.

Another thing to take away from this scripture is that other spirits exist. Specifically, a spirit of fear. This scripture lets us know that when we feel fear, that spirit is present but it’s not of God. The scripture also lets us know that the spirit God did give us enables us to have power, love (the opposite of fear) and a sound mind.

Knowing that God wants me to feel empowered over the circumstances of my life, that God wants me to experience and operate from a place of love, and that God wants me to experience a sound mind made me realize that there had to be information on how to achieve all of that.

During that redacted year of my life, I did some deep diving into the bible to find out how to overcome that spirit of fear, how to activate the power, love and soundness of mind that God essentially promised.

A lot of things I did to find out who I was and what power I had stemmed from the fear of the mental turmoil I was experiencing but it changed some things too. I decided after the fog lifted that I would never wait for another experience for me to connect with God on that level. I took the spiritual application of “if you stay ready, you never have to get ready.”

That involved daily prayers, a continued and intentional sacrifice of vices that I had already put down (drinking, smoking etc.). My stay ready involved actively listening to music that filled and strengthened my spirit —music that affirmed who I am, whose I am and what promises and authority that identity comes with.

I can honestly say that if I knew it was something I was going to experience and knew that significant growth would be on the other side of it, I wouldn’t care. I’d never say yes to that experience even if it came with a million dollars and a mansion on an island. However, sometime after the worst of it had passed, I received news of a family member that checked themselves into a treatment center after experiencing suicidal ideations. In that moment, I had an epiphany —as unpleasant as the whole ordeal was, my experience with it showed me what it was in a way that allowed me to know that the thoughts weren’t mine, that they were unwanted visitors and it empowered my fight against it. I became aware in that moment that there are people who fight the same things I fought but they fight it thinking that it’s themselves their fighting. I still would never wish to repeat the experience but I’ve taken from it what I was meant to.

I don’t know what those thoughts are saying to you, how it feels or if it’s anything like what I experienced. I do believe that despite what spirit you’re combating (I think culture calls it fighting demons, these days), that it’s not what God wants for you and that God wants you to activate the power, the love and the soundness of mind that is available to those who believe and want to receive that greater spirit that 2 Timothy 1:7 talks about. If that’s you, continue reading.

PRAYER

God, My mind is my worst nightmare. If I could take it off and put it down, I would. I don’t know that I’ve ever experienced true peace but there’s an idea of it that lingers in my desires whenever I have an episode in my mind of thoughts telling me who I’m not and what I’ll never be. It feels silly because the thoughts that do their worst are the kinds of words that teachers taught us to ignore from other kids in elementary school. It’s a little harder to ignore when it plays on a loop in a place where no one else can hear it but me. It makes me feel like a fraud in my own life and I’m so tired of it. I want peace. I want the spirit of power, love and a sound mind that you have for me. I’m asking that you change me from the inside in every way that helps the thoughts fold the way I have all my life. I believe in you. I believe in Jesus — that he died, that you sacrificed your son so that we could have a relationship with you. I’m asking you to come into my life and make me new. Heal my heart, protect my mind, and jumpstart this journey for me. I can’t do it alone and I don’t want to live in fear for the rest of my life. Help me in the areas I have trouble believing. I don’t know what’s real but I know that there’s something bigger and more powerful at work in this world and I want to be on the right side of it. Help me. In Jesus’s name, Amen.

JOURNAL CHALLENGE

Make a list of the things that make you experience fear —everything from the physical to the intangible. Start with the things that are part of your day to day life, the fears that hinder your progress and work your way out to the things that you fear about the future. Write a prayer about putting down those fears, something that you can then turn into a daily affirmation about who you are without those fears. Save the list and revisit it in 6 months, 1 year etc. See how they change.